Tuesday's Soapbox: Family Ties

Disclaimer: "Tuesday's Soapboxes" are not meant to be offensive-Comments I make are not directed at any one person or group, but are just my thoughts on whatever topic I choose for that particular Tuesday. The topics may range from serious in nature to just downright silly. As always, I appreciate hearing what you have to say about them, however, I am not here to start any 'debates'. Thanks for reading & I hope you enjoyed :)

Oh, that's right, it's back-at least for this week anyway :)

The holiday season is once again upon us & along with it comes the stress of all of the things that need to be done, all of the places to go & all of the people to see. And for me one of the worst parts of it all is the part where we are trying to share our time with all of our families at all of the festivities that will inevitably (most years anyway) conflict with each other...you can believe me when I say that I do truly start stressing out about this in October every single year.

The ultimate problem stems from the terms "extended family" & "immediate family."
These terms lead to questions such as:
"Who should come first?"
"What are the determining factors when trying to decide?"
"What happens if we go here instead of there?"
And on and on and on...

The basic jist of it all comes down to the basic statement that I have heard come out of several people's mouths (including that of my mother's in reference to how one of my sister's decides where to go when her events conflict) year after year..."Immediate family should come before extended family" & that is where it all gets tricky folks!

In our specific circumstance, it takes a little bit of traveling to visit any of my "immediate" family members & both of my "extended" families & Scott's "extended" family, thus we do not see many of these people nearly as often as we would like & so we feel it is very important to attend these functions when they occur. We see Scott's "immediate" family (who when they are all home for any of the holidays) are literally right next door & we see much of them for several days back-to-back-to-back. So, yes, I admit it-we do tend to put more of an emphasis on making sure we attend the other family Christmas events first if there is a conflict with Scott's "immediate" family Christmas event, mostly because we know that we will have many opportunities to see them over the course of a few days & therefore, feel like it could easily be the most flexible one scheduling-wise due to everyone being so close together in regards to location. This, of course, tends to cause a few problems from year to year & loads of guilt on our part because we are putting "extended" family before "immediate" family (i.e. remember the anxiety that begins in October :)

Anyway, the point of all of this is that it all got me to thinking more about it this year & I actually "thought something I hadn't thought before" (that's my own little take on the Grinch there ;)

What are these terms we all use to refer to each other & what do they really mean? The definitions please (taken from dictionary.com)...

Immediate family:
one's parents, step-parents, siblings, spouse, children, step-children, foster children, in-laws, sibling in-laws, grandparents, great grandparents, step-great grandparents, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews

Extended family:

1.	a kinship group consisting of a family nucleus and various relatives, as grandparents, usually living in one household and functioning as a larger unit. Compare nuclear family.

2.	(loosely) one's family conceived of as including aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, and sometimes close friends and colleagues.

So, basically, our "immediate" family members are exactly the same as our "extended" family members, except for maybe 'cousins', but then aren't Luke's cousins (who would be considered his extended family) actually my nieces & nephew (which makes them my immediate family, but not his)...

CLEAR AS MUD, huh!!! :)

All I really can tell you that I know for sure is that each & every single one of our family members is very important to us no matter whether they are "immediate" or "extended", thus, it is very important to us that Luke get to know ALL of his family (immediate & extended!) Therefore, we will continue to do our very best to make that possible as long as all of these families continue to get together because in my humble opinion-family is family and they are all equally important to have around! :)

Happenings around Home

Over the past week...

*I have somehow managed to be near the computer like 2 days of the whole week(Sunday & yesterday), unfortunately, it seemed to be quite a busy email week for me (which is a bit unusual) & I found out about several different important things all at once so...

*I have several emails to follow up on now & several people to write back too-sorry if I have not responded yet :)

*For one afternoon, I thought I was coming down with the flu again :( Luckily, taking the afternoon off of school/sleeping & relaxing that evening, helped me to feel much better, but the back aches (like I had with the flu last month) that came along with it still took a few days to go away. [This would also be part of the reason I was "unplugged" for a few days.]

*We are all still crying all of the time here at the Faith, Hope & Poop household, but not for the reasons you might be thinking...Luke has finally become aware of this lovely phase called "I DO IT BY MYSELF!" It is sooo handy when you are in a hurry or trying to do something like fill up his cup. Somehow over the past 2 weeks, he seems to have come to the conclusion that he is quite capable of (along with many, many other things) taking a FULL gallon milk jug & filling up his own cup. We beg to differ thus the crying on the parts of both sides due to several close calls :)

*Along with this, I am soo happy that he can undress himself, but I just wish that he would stop yelling "PEE" & pulling his "undies" down before we get to him (he's a quick one alright!) Acting like the carpet is all one big potty is NOT cool!
[On a side note though, he is beginning to tell us quite a bit more regularly, which is a major plus-I'm hoping to have a few days at Christmas to work on this a bit more consistently with him, but he has come a long way over the past few months!]

*Lucky for me [stated with only a hint of sarcasm], Luke is in a very big "mommy" phase right now, which is okay at many different times, but please son, when dad is home with us too-he is quite capable of playing the same games/toys that I play with you & even if he is not-it really is OKAY for me to have at least 2 minutes of "me time" when I need to use the bathroom. As soon as I disappear, all I hear is Luke saying to Scott "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" Hmmmm...I guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts because I'm sure that before too long he may not want to spend quite as much of his quality time with me & then I might be left feeling left out ;)

And The Ugly!

I'm sure that at least a few of you had to see that title coming if you were paying attention to the last two titles :)

*How can you say "I would choose you if I could" & then turn around and let a relative basically bully you into making a different choice? It is YOUR choice/decision not theirs~I do believe that this would not have hurt quite so much if I knew you had made this choice for yourself & not someone else.

*You truly led me to feeling like a crazy person at times over the past several months...as well as the "officials" involved in this process...just to turn around & leave us with nothing to make it all worth the struggle.

*How does Luke all of a sudden become the least important person in this whole scenario? At first, it was most important that he grow up with his sibling, but now it really isn't?

*I wish for your sake that you would have become a stronger person since Luke's birth...then maybe all of this could have been avoided in the first place.

*It makes me very sad to think about the decision you ended up making, a little because of how it affected us, but mostly because of how it could end up affecting the baby's health/life in the long run...I'm not sure that it is really for the best...

*My knee jerk reaction was to keep Luke away from you forever now, but as I get farther away from all of it-I know that this is NOT the right thing to do & the updates will continue to be sent even though these first few may be a little tougher for me to put together

These are just a few of the thoughts & questions I have had over the past week that will never get asked or answered. I write them here knowing that they could be seen (but it is highly unlikely) by her and/or someday read by Luke himself. They are not meant to cause harm or ill will~they are just a reflection of the emotions that I/we are dealing with in this specific moment in time.

This birthmom is still Luke's birthmom too-that will never change & that is why I have to let it go. What was decided is decided (no matter how it was decided by her) & we must move on from here. It will be tough the first few times if there are any more visits down the road, but I do not want to be that person who harbors bad feelings towards her-it would not be good for her, for us & most especially for Luke & that is what this post is meant to be-me letting it go for his sake...

The Bad...

The following are some things that I have found to be "bad" over the past week in regards to this latest disappointment, but some have actually surprised me & turned into "good" things as week went on...

*It was the most "thankful" week of the year, during a time when I really DID NOT want to look forward to feeling thankful for anything...thankfully, I was able to find some things to be thankful for :)

*Four family functions to attend wearing my "everything is wonderful" face. Fortunately, by the time I had to attend most of these functions, I had already had several days to deal with everything on my own so this really wasn't all that "bad" in the long run either. But if you would have asked me if I was looking forward to them last weekend, that would have been a whole different story.

*The questions that are always left unanswered/unasked after this type of thing happens.

*The questions/comments that sometimes get asked/made that seem totally inappropriate.

*The baby's situation in general.

*Surprising, the people who know what happened & don't offer so much as an "I'm sorry to hear this" and also the people who do.

*Watching Luke being so ready to be a big brother & being unable to give him that opportunity. I hate hearing him refer to our extra bedroom as "the baby's room" when sometimes it feels like we may never get the chance to give that to him.

*The holiday season in general, honestly, I was not really expecting to get to take part much in it, but with this turn of events I have actually thrown myself into it full fledged mentally & I am feeling a bit excited about them in many ways. (So I guess this could actually be a "good" thing now :)

*Going back to work tomorrow~in many ways I'm ready & in many ways it sends me into a sheer panic...I have a feeling it may end up being a very long day, possibly with several questions that I'm not really ready or willing to answer in regards to the situation...

I promise only one more post on this topic & then I'm putting it away-maybe not forever, but for quite awhile anyway!

The Good...

I've been moping around here for the last few days, so I figured that I had better find some "good" things to be thankful for~because I do have plenty of them in spite of recent events!

So here it is "The Good"

*Scott~it is awesome to have such a wonderful & supportive husband! It is also nice to know that even during our roughest patches on these IF/adoption roller coasters, we have always managed to be on the same wavelength with whatever course of action we have wanted to pursue-sometimes before we had even shared it with each other.

*Luke~what can I say? His smile makes my whole day brighter & when you throw in that infectious giggle of his-how can one not be grateful for such a tremendous gift! He is my "sweet little man" & I can't imagine life without him.

*Family/Friends/Coworkers~their support through everything has been phenomenal & I could not ask for a better group of people to be surrounded by. It is quite humbling to know that there are SO many people out there who care about us & what happens to us.

*Blogging/Bloggers~I am thankful every single day for having discovered this wonderful world on the web (catchy, huh! ;) I love being able to put myself "out there" in a way that I probably never truly will in "real" life & especially during this past year, the support that I have received from fellow bloggers who have "been there done that" or have at least experienced similar things means more than words could ever say! It's a nice feeling to know that I have this whole world of people at my fingertips to celebrate & cry with when the occasions arise.

*We're all alive & healthy & surrounded by lots of love!

*Wine! No worries, I am not becoming an alcoholic, but it sure is nice to have a big tall glass of the stuff every once in awhile ;)

Last of all, but most definitely not least...

*GOD~sometimes I feel like saying "What in the world is your plan for us?" but than I realize that this is not something I need to know...my only job is just to trust him...he knows what he's doing even when I feel like I have no clue what going on! So I will TRUST!

Hope all of your Thanksgivings are swell & don't expect the next post to be so sweet ;)

Innocent Conversation?

I had just sat down to relax for a few minutes when I heard the "click" of Luke's bedroom door opening & shutting. He was up from his nap, normally he would be crying/calling for one of us, but not this time...I looked at our strategically placed mirror just in time to see his little feet rounding the upstairs corner. He was being very quiet...hmmm...that could mean trouble, so I went upstairs to find out what he was doing. When I got up there, I spotted him standing innocently by the computer moving the mouse around and this was the conversation that then took place...

Me: "Luke what are you doing?"
Luke: "Looking at computer...Frank."
Me: "Do you want me to help you find Frank?"
Luke: "Yes!"
A few moments later as we're waiting for the internet to come up...
Me: "Do you still want Frank?"
Luke: "No!"
Me: "Well what do you want?"
Luke: "Whiskey!"

Now please refrain from calling any social service agencies on us...one of Luke's favorite things to do is to look at this website at all of his favorite puppies (& trust me-he has quite a memory for these puppies-he can recite quite A LOT of them on sight & he specifically requests which ones he wants to see :) Check it out~obviously, two of his current favorites are "Frank" & "Whiskey" & luckily, they appear in order right next to each other ;)

Therapeutic words

I heard this song & then later this song over the weekend and both brought great feelings of sadness as they described how I am feeling as we are dealing with this latest disappointment.

Especially the lines from Kenny's song...

"Wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh it's no use
I can't unlove you"

Along with...

"Interstates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess could learn to do the same
I can wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it was meant to be this way
No matter how I try
Some things I can't change"

And then the line from Little Texas's song...

"I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then and we have taken diff'rent roads
We can't go back again there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been"